Head alive and buzzing hard,
Slow opening of the eyes,
Blinking painfully,
Closing the eyes,
Go back to sleep, go back to sleep, go back to sleep,
My mind won’t let me.
My leg begins to shake,
A little, just slightly so,
My leg begins to hurt,
I was drinking last night,
I can feel it now,
The pain, it moves upward.
My whole body suddenly painful,
Suddenly slightly painful,
Slightly tingling,
A little burn all over,
A buzzing in the head,
If I focus on the pain I won’t feel terrible.
It never lasts,
I turn, it hurts, no sleep.
I turn again, it hurts, no sleep.
I turn back, the pain comes again…slowly,
Still no sleep.
No thoughts, but the terrible feeling creeps in.
Never thoughts,
Never something specific,
Nothing I can think about,
Nothing I can ponder,
Nothing I can figure out,
Just the feeling.
The terrible feeling.
Or feelings.
They don’t feel like feelings.
They feel like one thing.
They feel like terrible.
I feel terrible.
It doesn’t take long for terrible.
Terrible sets in fast,
He starts physical and makes his way to mental,
Mental is where he does his real damage,
Mental is where you feel terrible,
Truly feel terrible.
I’m nothing.
I’m worthless.
I just sit here.
Day after day.
Drinking my life away.
Nothing left to live for.
The only chance at love,
Or chances I suppose,
Gone.
One hurt to gain the other,
The other hurt,
In spite, in loss, already gone anyways.
The self pity goes deep,
The terrible runs deep,
The loathing runs deep,
Oh woe is me,
It’s my fault anyways,
Oh woe is me.
And then it happens,
It all just washes away,
All at once,
Like slipping into the ocean,
A warm, comfortable, good ocean.
The pain, the terrible, the pity. Gone.
I am in someone’s arms.
They have me,
They are holding me,
Everything will be alright,
Everything will be fine,
Life sucks for now, it will get better.
I am gently rocked back to sleep.
This was not some drug,
This was not more alcohol,
This was not a lover,
Or my family, or my own will.
This was Mary.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now,
And at the hour of our deaths.
