So I was watching the Baz Luhrmann version of Romeo and Juliet last night and it occured to me that ultimately the whole damn tragedy can be pinned down on FedEx. Now, of course at this point you’re saying to yourself, “What kind of crack are you smoking Pat?” but hear me out.
The ultimate piece of the great collection of circumstances that cause the events of Romeo and Juliet to turn tragic is the letter from the Priest warning Romeo about Juliet’s false death never reaching Romeo. Granted, there were a whole list of other events that lead up to the tragic end, but none of them so surely played the death card in the deal as the letter never reaching Romeo. In the Baz Luhrmann version the messenger with the letter is a fake postal carrier known as “Post Haste”, which is a play on words from the play because the priest uses the phrase “I will send the letter hence post haste.” Anyways, in the movie the carrier is strikingly similar to FedEx in both look, and vehicle, and in the way that they never deliver your damn package but instead leave a sticky note on your door that lets you know that indeed you weren’t home, because this is something you have to be reminded about, and that they will never deliver your package to0 you.
You can probably tell by now that I have a latent hatred for FedEx, but we’re going to press on anyways. So “Post Haste”, which I’m just going to call FedEx hence forth, attempts to deliver the letter to Romeo at his house in the Banished Lands outside Verona, but since he is in his backyard and not home, the FedEx guy just leaves a sticky note. Then later, on FedEx’s second attempt to deliver the letter, Romeo’s friend passes the slow moving FedEx truck and informs Romeo of Juliets death before the letter arrives and the rest of the tragedy unfolds.
This can be brought back to the original play in that roughly the same circumstance took place except you have to replace FedEx with slow ass messenger. Ultimately though the messenger seems to have all the same qualities that FedEx has, and indeed now that I have reached the end of my rant perhaps I have my title backwards. Perhaps FedEx based their entire business model on the idea their CEO had after watching or reading Romeo and Juliet. I can see him now standing up after the play and shouting to the heavens, “I vow here and now that someday I will create a company that insures that if ever a tragic romance be about to play itself out to mortal ends as Romeo and Juliet, we will be there to ensure that delivery of the life saving letter never comes to pass.”
That’s it. That’s FedEx’s mission statement. That is their whole purpose on this earth, and it’s all because of Romeo and Juliet. Why didn’t the priest just guard her body! Damn you Shakespeare!
